Sad Suits: the Top 5 Worst Mascots in Sports History

Image Credit: Wikipedia
Is there anything more embarrassing than claiming, “running around in a costume at sports games” as your profession? Yes, there is. It’s when “running around in a really crappy costume” is your profession. While being a mascot may not be the most dignified of life callings, a man can at least take pride when he is a cool mascot. The Phillie Phanatic probably walks with his head held high, even when his head isn’t shoved inside a giant, green dragon-thing’s head. The same can’t be said however, for the poor souls on this list. These are the top 5 worst mascots in sports.

5 Tampa Bay Rays – Raymond

Unlike in the case of the hit family sitcom, very few people love Raymond. He is the strange, dog-like creature that for some reason represents the Tampa Bay Rays, and much like the Phillie Phanatic, he isn’t really anything; he’s just a furry creature. But unlike the Phillie Phanatic, Raymond sucks. Also no one knows why he isn’t at least some form of an actual Ray. But rather than use a likeness of their actual team name, Tampa Bay elected to entertain their fans with the help of what looks like a blue sheepdog that sneezed so hard he exploded his own snout. And for that, they earned the final spot on this prestigious list.

4 Oklahoma City Thunder – Rumble the Bison

Image Credit: Welcometoloudcity.com

He is the anthropomorphic buffalo mascot for the Thunder. His name is Rumble. He throws down monster slam-dunks. And his hair is finer than any other maiden’s in all the land. It makes absolutely no sense. It’s like the focus group that came up with Rumble wanted him to be tough in every manner, but they felt it was important he had the flowing locks of a Vidal Sassoon model. Then on top of it they gave him the most innocent pair of giant doe eyes. He dribbles with the fierceness of Bambi and throws down with the strength of Farrah Fawcett. Rumble is a genuine walking paradox.

3 San Diego Chargers – Bolt Man

Image credit: Twitter.com

Part man. Part lightning bolt. All jerk. Bolt Man is the ill-conceived mascot of the San Diego Chargers and he’s about as pleasing to the eye as a Carrot Top boudoir shoot. This cartoonish abomination is essentially a frat boy lightning bolt; he’s wearing slick black sunglasses while sporting a massive, self-satisfied smile, and he’s completely jacked up on steroids. Basically, he’s the first mascot ever that definitely qualifies as a complete and total douche. Not only do you not want to root for Bolt Man, but you wouldn’t trust him alone with your daughter for a second.

2 Southern Illinois – Saluki

Image credit: Kccollegegameday.com

Sometimes mascots are weird and awkward. Sometimes they’re nonsensical. And sometimes they are just straight up terrifying. And if you take one look at the Southern Illinois Saluki, you know that it falls squarely into the last category. A Saluki is actually an ancient Egyptian hunting dog, but this thing somehow turned out looking like a bloodthirsty, zombie poodle hell bent on death and destruction. And while kids tend to like most mascots, we’re willing to bet that no child has gotten within five feet of the Saluki’s cold dead eyes and razor sharp teeth without immediately crapping their pants.

1 Dallas Cowboys – Rowdy

Image Credit: Wikipedia

Holy hell. What a creep. Have you seen this guy? There is just something so very unsettling about the cowboy that has represented the Dallas Cowboys since 1996. It seems that whoever came up with Rowdy’s look was probably going for happy, kid-friendly type vibe. But something must have been lost in translation because what they wound up with was a face that falls less on the side of happy and more on the side of clinically insane. He just seems like a guy parents should watch closely because based on the look in his eyes, as quickly as he’ll take a picture with your kid, Rowdy will smack the ice cream out of your kid’s hand and then just revel in the anarchy of it all.

There they are, the not so proud members of the fraternity of horrendous mascots. The sad thing is there were so many more candidates that this list could’ve easily been a top 25 (We’re looking at you, UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs). But if you’re truly incensed that we left some mess of a mascot off our list, just throw together a list of your own and tell those guys whose lives consist of dancing in a monkey suit just how useless you really think they are.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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